Today I held my daughter

4th May

 

Today I held my daughter
In the only way I can

Today I held my daughter
I imagined she was there

Today I held my daughter
held her close and stroked her hair

Today I held my daughter
She looks just like me

Today I held my daughter
She smiled and said
Try to be happy

Today I held my daughter
In my mind and in my heart

Today I held my daughter
Together forever
Yet forever apart

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Missing part

26th January

A part of me has died
A part I didn’t know was there has gone
So I wouldn’t even know what to look for
I wouldn’t know how

A part of me is missing
It’s like I’ve lost a limb
A chunk of emptiness
Emptiness that aches

How do I fill a hole
A gap, a missing part
A part that I didn’t even know was there to begin with
a hole in my heart

There is one missing

6th December

I can’t help but think that there’s one missing.
As we walk down the street, there’s another hand we should be holding.
When were all in our bed there should be a little less room.
When were playing together there should be a little more noise.
When we eat at the table there’s a place missing.
When I hug my boys I can’t imagine life without either of them, it’s like they’ve always been part of my life.
I miss my daughter.
I love my children so so much, all of them.
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Silent tears

23rd November

Silent tears
The ones that never  dry
Silent tears
Because we had to say goodbye

Silent tears
We will never get to see
Would she look like dad
Or would she look like me

Silent tears
For a life so small
Such a short time with us
Loved and remembered by all

I see all three

11 th October

Laid in bed
with my children near
I see all three
But only two are here

The eldest just 4
Baby only 6 weeks old
the memory of my daughter
in my heart I hold

Hate

9th October
I hate it
I hate the fact my daughter died
I hate the fact so many babies die
I hate the fact my happiness was stripped from me
I hate the fact I became anxious and depressed
I hate the fact I feared going out the house
I hate the fact I’m reshaped forever
I hate the fact that I don’t feel like I fit, anywhere
I hate the fact I’m not me anymore
I hate the fact I will never be who I was before
I hate the sadness that I know is with me forever

But…… I cannot give hate any time, hate can’t change the past . Today is mine, today is precious. I will never have today again so why would I fill today with hate. I had no choice about everything that happened, but I can choose for today not to be full of hate. I will always have my daughter in my heart, I will always have memories of the time we spent together. I will recover from the depression and anxiety.¬† I’m reshaped but I’m still me, in time I will feel like I fit. The sadness will always be with me, just as my daughter will be with me too.
So today there’s no space for hate. Today is precious, today is mine.

1 in 4

1st October

There they are
The group I should be in
What are they thinking
I just can’t begin

I have another baby
Do they know what to say
Do they think it replaces her
Do they think it’s ok

Maybe there freighted
Does it pull on their heart
It could have been their baby
Forever apart

1 in 4 of us
And the 1 of them was me
My daughter stillborn
Forever a memory

I know the silence
The silence of no cry
As tears roll down
Forever goodbye

I’m not angry
I just think it’s sad
We need to break the silence
Talking isn’t bad.